Supermen vs the Amazons (1975)

Directed by Alfonso Brescia

Written by Alfonso Brescia and Aldo Crudo

Run Time: 100 minutes

Tagline: Super-human feats of strength! Super-thrilling deeds of daring! Super-fantastic conquests of adventure!

Other Titles: Super Stooges vs the Wonder Women

	Darma (Aldo Landi) The mighty Darma is the last in a long line of, well, liars that pretend to be immortal and take offerings from gullable villagers in exchange for protection. After falling victim to an Amazon’s spear, Darma ‘passes the mask’ to his student, Aru.
	Aru (Aldo Canti) After his teacher dies, Aru dons the Darma mask and continues the ancient deception of pretending to be immortal. The mighty Aru is always ready to seduce a willing Amazon, at least when he’s not beating the crap out of them.
	Meela (Malisa Longo) The delightful Meela…ah, the poor Amazon who falls for Aru’s charms. Torn between her love for Aru and her responsibility to her people what will she choose?
	Philones (Riccardo Pizzuti) The oily leader of a gang of Comedy Relief bandits that provide most of this films most insipid scenes…and that’s saying a lot.
	Mario (uncredited) The dimunitive Mario plays the cool-headed foil for Philones’s hot-headed antics. Oh, let the mirth begin! Huzzah!

What can I say? I’m a masochist. Why the hell else would I actually track down, purchase, watch and review a movie like this? Don’t you think I have better things to do with my free time? Ok. I don’t.

Oh hell. Let’s get on with it.

The films opens with the theme song (played by some crazy Italian guy on a Casio keyboard) while credits (consisting of various scenes cut from the movie played in "negative" color…hey, don’t laugh, that was cutting-edge technology!) introduce us to the various actors and actresses in the film. Well, at least the few that dared to have their names connected to this movie. As is wont for cheap films, the only type of transition between scenes seems to be an abrupt jump cut, which is exactly what we do to start the film…sooooo…jump cut to the Amazon Queen ordering her leather-bikini clad legions to ride through the land and find Darma. Once this legendary protector of the people is found (more on him later), he will be forced to reveal the secret of the…are you ready for it…Sacred Fire of Immortality! Huzzah! (Oh, and don’t worry about who this Darma person is, or for that matter, don’t worry about what in the hell is ever going on. You’ll just have to go with the flow if you’re ever going to make it through this movie. Trust me.)

Anyway, jump cut from the Amazons to an extreme close-up shot of a bowl of lumpy stew. Nice.

As the camera pulls back, we catch a glimpse of the first of our 3 heroes, Moog (billed as "Black Samson" in the trailer…good grief!). For no explained reason (were you expecting one?), a gang of rough-necks, led by OCR Philones, (OCR = Odious Comedy Relief) burst into the restaurant and chase everybody out so they can have the place to themselves and eat in peace and banditry. Moog, being so strong and all, pays the thugs no mind and continues gobbling down his meal. A couple of dudes suddenly spot Moog and saunter over to manhandle Moog out into the street. (Hey, don’t you guys know better then to mess with Black Samson?) Without batting an eye, Moog pulls out a rubber ball and slings it against a wall where it ricochets into the assailants’ heads and knocks them senseless. Since this scene involves OCR, it is accompanied by an electronic "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaaaah nyah!" taunt…hoy boy…this is going to be a long 90 minutes. (Note From the Future: it was.)

Philones orders the other bandits to attack which results in some slap-stick fighting which is too horrible to convey with mere words. (Hint: See YouTube clip below.) Like I said, Moog proceeds to beat the crap out of the gang as Philones and his diminutive side-kick (it just wouldn’t be an Italian movie without a midget, now would it? Oh, and since he’s not credited, let’s just call him Mario.) look on in shock. Rather stupidly, Philones decides to take matters into his own hands, and is handed a beat down of his own. Even Mario gets in on the action and is dribbled out of the restaurant like a basket ball!!! (Oh…the indignity…) To complete the absurdity, the remaining gang members attack en masse but Moog manages to repulse them with a gigantic belch.

All this and it’s only been 6 minutes!

Anyhoo, somebody must have thought that belching is hilarious, because Moog’s burping continues for nearly a minute. Har dee har har. Moog eventually goes outside (smashing through a wall instead of taking the door because, well, he’s strong) and continues whooping the bad guys’s butts. After even more hilarity, Moog winds things up by tossing Philones and the others onto their respective horses and standing proudly in a highly indelicate buffalo shot. You know what? I was actually considering sparing you this shot, but…nah. I don’t want you getting soft on me now…

Cut to Asian Superhero, Chung, happily riding his water buffalo along the road. (Why the director decided to accompany Chung’s entrance with banjo (!) music is beyond me.) Unbeknownst to Chung, he’s riding through Philones’s "territory" and is promptly attacked by the whole gang.

Yes.

More fighting.

Fun.

If you suspected that since Chung (billed as the “Chinese Chopper”!) is Asian then he’s automatically a martial arts expert, well, then go ahead and give yourself 2 Monster Shack bonus points. (Be sure to redeem your points for cool Monster Shack merchandise here!) To my horror (and steadily worsening headache), Chung’s Kung-fu expertise seems primarily to consist of slicing off his attacker’s pants so that they become so humiliated that they either run away or stand there dumfounded at their awkward situation so Chung can knock them unconscious. (In case you haven’t noticed, this is a fairly ‘bloodless’ film, i.e., swords are used more for knocking people out rather than, you know, stabbing and cutting them.) After endless pants-cutting scenes, all of Philones’ useless bandits are dispersed into the forest, presumably looking for new pants. Naturally, the scene concludes with a female Asian bandit (surprise, surprise…) jumping out of the bushes and attacking Chung. Proving that chivalry is not completely dead, and ensuring that she’ll eventually become his love interest, after beating the crap out of her, Chung offers her a flower. All together now…awwwwwwwwww.

Meanwhile, the Amazons are paying a not-so-friendly visit to Ye Olde Repressed Village. After rounding up the usual lot of skinny, pathetic villagers, the Queen Beghira proclaims that the village is now under their "protection" and will be taxed accordingly. The village chief objects, noting that they are currently under the protection of Darma, some sort of local wizard that lives in the mountains. Incredibly, at that exact moment, Darma appears out of nowhere in a giant explosion. (Well, the type of explosion where the camera films an empty area with an explosion, the camera is turned off, then the actor is place into position and the camera is turned back on. Viola! It’s film magic!) With a brief exchange of threats, Beghira (man, what a beautiful name) orders her Amazons to capture Darma and, oh boy, the chase is on. (You know, if there’s one thing that’s more exciting then underwater knife fights, it just has to be a horse chase. Yessirree.)

Soooooooo, the Amazons chase Darma into a valley where he performs several more weird explosion appear/disappear tricks for our entertainment. Finally, finally, Darma warns the Amazons to stay the hell away from the village or else face the consequences and then makes a final disappearance via explosion.

Meanwhile, back at the village, the Elders summon Mighty Darma from behind his wall of Sacred Flame. (Darma has the disturbing habit of sitting with his legs splayed, very, very wide…yuch.) Now, you may be wondering how Darma can be in 2 different places at the same time. Well, I’m not going to give it away just yet, so hang in there. Like us, Darma himself also seems confused when the villagers thank him for saving their butts from the Amazons earlier that day. Could there be a Darma imposter? (That was a rhetorical question by the way, so please don’t email me your answers.)

Anyhoo, Darma plays it cool and suggests that it might have been a spirit that showed up this morning, so, whatever. The boneheaded villagers buy this lame explanation and present their weekly offerings. Darma eagerly collects the goodies and tells villagers to continue to trust him. Furthermore, if the Amazons do return, just remain passive and he will come to their aid. (Huh?) With all this said and done, Darma disappears behind a wall of flame. Little do the villagers know that Darma is actually sitting on a rotating disk which spins around via help from Darma’s pupil, Aru, who is hiding inside a secret cave just behind the throne.Wow. So the Mighty Darma is actually a big fraud. (I found this revelation a refreshing surprise, to be honest.)

Darma then puts 2 and 2 together and realizes that it was Aru who was impersonating him earlier in the day when the Amazons attacked. After giving him a light ass chewing, Darma hops down from his throne and helps Aru put the day’s offerings in the storage area. Aru, feeling that the time is ripe for a change, asks Darma for permission to be exposed to the Sacred Flame so that he can be immortal just like he is. Darma, sensing that maybe he should finally confess that the whole Sacred Flame Immortality deal is a crock of shit, admits that the role of Darma has actually been passed down from master to student for centuries. (Yeah, I guess that mask has kept everybody fooled for hundred of years. Nobody would ever notice a complete change in body build, voice, height, etc. when there was a "Darma switch", now would they?.)

Anyway, Darma goes off to his room to take a nap, so Aru heads out to do some hunting. (Why do they need to hunt when they get basket after basket of food from the villagers?) After a couple of minutes, Aru comes across Meela, a (really cute) Amazon maiden in distress. Meela looks up and explains that she’s fallen off her horse and twisted her ankle. After a brief 2 second examination, Aru declares that there’s nothing he can do, but he knows somebody who can. Snatching her up in his arms, Aru takes Meela back to the cave and has Darma patch her up. (Wouldn’t there be a Don’t Bring Strangers Into the Secret Cave rule? Good grief.)

With Meela’s ankle patched up, Darma goes off to take another nap (Jeez! What is with this guy?) Naturally, the first thing to do when you have suffered a sprained ankle is to go swimming, which is exactly what Meela and Aru end up doing. (This scene does however have the benefit of slow-motion water frolicking scenes which reveal a good deal of Malisa Longo’s delightful body that is conveniently clad in a wet, sheer, toga thingee if you get my drift.)

As Aru and Meela revel in their new found love (Wow. That was fast: they met 15 minutes ago!), out of the forest stumbles a villager with literally 10 arrows sticking out of him. Before collapsing in a heap he manages to scream "The Amazons are coming!" which I can only assume means that we’re in for some more equestrian pursuit footage. Aru tells Meela to stay put while he goes for help. (Note that the bandage on her ankle is now mysteriously gone and she’s also magically healed as she can now run and put her full weight on it. Hmmm.)

Back at the cave, Aru discovers to his horror that Darma has been speared by the Amazons. (Wasn’t he taking a nap?) With his dying breath, Darma tasks Aru with a journey to a "large city" (could you be a little more vague?) where he’ll meet two other warriors, Moog and Chung. Darma explains that these guys want to be immortal and still believe that he has the secret of lasting life. Soooooo (man this guy sure has a long "last breath"), Moog and Chung will be willing to help Aru as long as they believe that he, as the Darma, will share the secret with them after the Amazons are defeated. (What Moog and Chung might do when they find out that they’ve been manipulated and lied to is not discussed.) With that, the old Darma finally dies (thank goodness), and Aru puts on the magic mask, thus becoming the new Darma. (Hmmmm, I was hoping for a little more pageantry in the whole "Changing of the Darma", but there you have it.)

Eager to reach the aforementioned "large city", Aru runs from the cave and is promptly spotted by the Amazons. Nice one, doofus. With goofy keyboard music to add to the levity, Aru runs for his life through the wilderness with the equally hapless Amazons in pursuit. Through a series of jumps from cliffs (!), flips, hops, and so on (and let me give actor Aldo Canti full props for his gymnastic prowess), Aru eludes his would-be captors and makes his way to the city unharmed. (Aru also jumps up cliffs through the magic of Play The Jump-Down Scene In Reverse. Woot!)

Once in town, Aru stumbles across Philones and his gang of idiots and, surprise, surprise, another huge goofy melee ensues, also accompanied by the exact same music we heard in the previous fight scene with the Amazons, so to put it mildly, it’s starting to get on my nerve. Oh, boy, let’s see. Yeah, there’s a lot of scenes of Aru kicking people in the butt, vegetable carts are overturned (naturally), and boy, is there really somebody who thinks that this is even mildly amusing? (And what the hell is it with the "nyah nyah, nyah nyah, Nyaaaaaah nyah" horn tooting?!)

As Aru kicks ass, Chung watches from the sidelines and occasionally takes out a stray bad guy or 2 with a smack of his sword, or a well placed kick to the rear end. (Ok, I realize that nobody can actually, you know, get hurt (unless you’re an Amazon and then you will get your ass whipped) , but what’s with all the "butt kicking"…it’s starting to get a little weird.)

Why, there’s Moog. He’s met a cute woman who is, tada!, African as well. She tells him that she’s from the village and they immediately fall in love. I’m not kidding.

Philones, who apparently loves to get his ass kicked, decides this would be an opportune time to smack Moog over the head with a 2-by-4. Of course this only pisses Moog off (when will Philones ever learn!? Hoo hoo!) so he proceeds to knock him senseless and set him up on a table with a big empty clay jug in his lap. Mario finds this hilarious for some reason, and man, I really feel like I’m missing the punch line here….

Yes, Chung also ends up fighting the cute Asian gang member whom he gave the flower to earlier in the film. What are the odds? Such mirth!

Man, this scene goes on and on and on. Now, I’m always game for a few minutes of watching people getting kicked in the pants, but this is starting to get a little stale. This is like one of those long, drawn out 3 Stooges pie fight scenes that never seems to end, except that the pie fights were actually funny for a while.

Finally…FINALLY…the town guards show up and disperse the combatants, so now we can thankfully move on to the next scene…good grief.

Coffee break.

Cut to the Amazon camp where the Queen is ordering an attack on the village in order to enslave the men folk. Now, I’m obviously not an Amazon Queen, but doesn’t it seem counter-productive to capture and remove the village’s workforce and then demand grain payments? Whatever.

Another brutal jump cut transports us to Aru’s cave where he explains to Moog and Chung that, yes, he truly is the keeper of the Sacred Flame of Immortality. (Man, what a liar!) For some reason, Aru decides that this would be a good time to go off and meditate. (Yes, I know that Aru had to get out of the scene so Moog and Chung could discuss the Flame without Aru around, but this was kind of contrived.) Chung suggests to Moog that they’re being taken for a ride. (Wow! An intelligent character!) With Aru out of the scene, they decide to pass through the Flames themselves and see what happens. Obviously, they get burned, so ha ha. At this point, Aru conveniently returns from off camera…I guess he was finished with his 30 second meditation session…and convinces his so-called buddies that before the gods allow them to pass through the flames and become immortal they must perform a noble deed, like,oh, helping to free the imprisoned villagers and eventually defeat the Amazons.

Unfortunately for Aru, none of the local villages are willing to step up to the plate and join forces in an all-out attack on the Amazon camp. Well, this slight setback doesn’t stop our hero, so the three heroes go at it alone. The first obstacle is getting over the tall wooden palisades around the Amazon camp. No problem, "first we learn how to fly," says Chung with a sly grin. Sure enough, cut to Moog standing high atop a cliff with leather wings tied to his arms. Hilarity ensues when Moog jumps off the cliff and crashes to the ground. "I guess man is not ready for wings," Aru jokes as Moog pulls himself together. (Yep, that’s about the level of humor in this movie.)

With Chung’s ingenious "learn how to fly and soar over the walls" plan out the window, Aru suggests trying it "his way," which entails loading everybody into a catapult and shooting them up and over a giant (unguarded) cliff behind the camp!

Needless to say, despite the fact that a catapult would have simply launched them directly into the rocky cliff face and to their deaths, the brave trio safely reach the top of the cliff. With that obstacle overcome, they dodge and weave around some convenient man-sized boulders and make their way into the Amazon camp itself. (In a lovely screw-up, the DVD switches to the German audio track for a few lines then mysteriously jumps back to English. Oh well, when you buy on E-bay, let the buyer beware.)

As Aru sneaks around to the main gate, Chung releases the imprisoned villagers. Naturally, all of this is completed without a single Amazon guard seeing them. Yadda yadda. As the prisoners hide (uh…where?!), Aru creates a diversion by setting a few tents on fire, throwing some stools around, and generally kicking over whatever he can find laying around in order to create a big ruckus. The Amazons wake up (once again, where are the sentries?), and with nary a thought of "Hey girlfriends, maybe this is a diversion!", the Amazons storm through the front grates after Aru. leaving the camp more or less completely unguarded (not that it made any difference) so that Chung and the prisoners can escape and return to the village. (And the whole point of this scene was….?)

Later that day, Philones and Mario (Oh…great…Not these guys again…) pay the Amazons a visit and try to cut a deal with the Queen. In a nutshell, they’ll show the Amazons where Aru’s secret cave is. (Not like Aru has ever made any effort in keeping it a secret from anybody.) Asking nothing in return (huh?), Philones and Mario are taken to the "guest tent" (The Amazons have a "guest tent"?!) and placed under the Queen’s protection.

Another head-splitting jump cut to Aru and his buddies in a massive melee with a horde of Amazons. (Huh? Didn’t they get away? What the hell is going on here?) In an odd juxtaposition of levity and violence, corny light-hearted music plays on the soundtrack while Aru, Moog, and Chung beat the crap out of the Amazon women. Ok, yeah, I know they’re blood-thirsty Amazon warriors, but it’s still disturbing to see these guys whooping on them like this. I mean…sheeesh.

Anyhoo, Aru gives chase to the fleeing Amazons and is caught in a trap. Nice one, O Great Darma. After being tied up and unmasked, the Queen demands to know the secret of the Sacred Flame. Threatened with torture if he doesn’t tell, Aru, thinking that his buddies are on their way to rescue him, buys some time by promising to "consult the Gods". Little does he know that Moog and Chung are actually sitting around a campfire enjoying a warm meal. "He’ll be alright," says Moog as he takes a bit of some sort of meat-on-a-stick. And honestly, Aru does deserve this because he’s lied to them the whole movie leading them on that he’s invincible, so why would they want to risk their necks to "save" him if he can’t be killed?

Uh oh! It looks like Philones and Mario are back…yea! So it must be time for some wackiness! Yuck! Yuck! Yes, our favorite pair of super dolts spot Moog and Chang’s horses and decide to take them for themselves. Where they’re coming from (Amazon camp?), why they’re on foot (?), where they’re going (?)…why…who knows?! Just get ready for something zany to happen!

In a shocking turn of events, Moog and Chung kick the crap out of Philones and Mario. Well, actually that wasn’t very shocking. But, boy is it funny. No, not really funny either.

Grabbing Philones by the neck, Moog asks him just what in the hell they were doing at the Amazon camp. Philones brags that all they have to do is introduce themselves and they can just walk in since they’re such good friends with the Amazons. (Uhhhhh…plot point anybody?!) As a token of good will, and trying to save his skin, Philones informs Moog that Aru has been captured. Well, wow. With their friend in need of rescue, and a easy way to get into the Amazon’s camp, Moog and Chang immediately slit Philones and Mario’s throats and hang them up to bleed from the nearest tree.

Oh wait, no. That would have made too much sense.

No, gentle viewer, a simple conk to the head (What? No kick to the butt?) knocks them unconscious and also ensures future scenes of hilarity. I can’t wait.

Without a second to spare, Moog and Chang don some hooded robes, ride out to the Amazon’s camp and gain immediate entrance by pretending to be Philones and Mario. Wow, that’s some security you got there, ladies. I mean, Moog is black for cripes sake! Did you really think he was Philones just because he had a hood over his face?!

ANYWAY….

Once inside, Moog frees Aru from his bonds (the sole guard is tada!…Meela, whom Aru convinces to leave her tribe and join them by simply kissing her. ( "That man sure knows how to handle a woman…" whispers Moog in manly admiration.)

Back outside, Aru and the others grab some blankets and hop off the cliff at the back of the camp because, you know, you can make a functional parachute just by grabbing the corners of a blanket and jumping.

Oh, and hey Amazons! Since this is the second time that Aru has gotten into and out of your camp via the cliff at the rear…WHY DON’T YOU FENCE IT OFF! Good grief. I guess that’s why Amazons went extinct.

Well, you wouldn’t think that Aru and the others would get very far on foot since the Amazons have horses, but hey, surprise surprise. Why it’s Chung’s girlfriend, the Asian bandit, May May Wong (!). For some freakin reason May May has brought some horses so Aru and Co. can get away. Yeah, that makes total sense. You know, if you try to figure this movie out…you’re gonna go nuts.

Aru and the others arrive back in the village to discover that the other villages have decided to join forces and fight the Amazons. Well, isn’t that nice. Gee, where were you when our men were freakin’ carried off?! To put the nervous villagers at ease, Aru explains that the Amazons won’t attack for 8 days because they have a tradition of waiting until the next full moon before launching an attack!!! Huh?!

Normally I’d pull my hair out at something so stupid as that, but I’m way, way past that point.

As the next full moon rapidly approaches , Aru discovers a source of oil bubbling up from the ground. "That stuff smells like it does around the Sacred Fire," Chung notes. Wow, Sherlock, good one. Aru, of course, knows what it is and gives a sly smile. Oh boy, this outta be fun.

Anyway, we cut to a meeting of the local village elders where they explain that they’ve changed their minds and aren’t going to be fighting the Amazons after all! And they tell this on the very night of the freakin’ full moon!!!! Wow, thanks a lot!

Well, with Aru and the villagers completely screwed over by the other villages, they have no choice but to face the Amazon attack alone. Thankfully, Aru has given the villagers loads of petrol bombs (made from the mysterious black goo that’s bubbling up everywhere) which they happily launch at the Amazons via a battalion of crappy catapults. The Amazons, penned between the village walls and a (1-foot high) wall of fire lit behind them as they rode in, can only franticly ride back and force on panicked horses as the petrol bombs rain down from above. (Hilariously, most of the, <cough>, bombs can be seen landing just a few feet in front of the shoddy catapult props, although the big smoke-bomb squibs can be seen exploding much further away where the bombs should have landed!)

I think the editor fell asleep on the job again because this scene goes on and on and on and on…

After the film’s "fire bomb" budget was used up, the Amazons try to ride away. Why they didn’t just do that in the first place is beyond me. Ok, they try to flee and are quickly attacked by a "Bolo Barrage." (At least that’s how it’s referred to in the trailer. I didn’t know that 5 bolos constituted a "barrage", but let’s not split hairs.) After watching way, way too much footage of people throwing bolos into the air (Helloooo? Mr. Editor?), Aru orders the villagers to try and capture the Queen while he, Moog, and Chang rush out into the general chaos and start beating the Amazons.

Again, I think somebody on the film crew had some issues with women.

As the Amazons attempt yet another retreat (how hard can it be to escape on horseback when everybody else is on foot?!), Aru brings forth his final super-secret ultra-weapon: the "Super Tanks." (That loud sound you heard was my palm slamming into my forehead.) Ok, to be fair, I thought these tanks were pretty damned funny, so kudos, guys. But still, a wooden tank-shaped shell carried by 10 or so lumbering peasants with a flame thrower that shoots about 3 feet (making them dangerous only for the tank itself) would hardly pose a threat for a highly mobile, highly trained Amazon army.

Alas, the Amazons are completely overwhelmed by the attack force consisting of 3, count ‘em, 3 wooden tanks.

With the Amazons rapidly disintegrating, Philones seizes the moment to grab some glory for himself and "save the day." Yes, our beloved bandit orders his gang to whip the tar out of the remaining wounded Amazons, which they happily do. (Seriously, the amount of violence dealt out to these women is really starting to get a little weird.)

With the defeated Amazons laid out in a big pile of torn bikini tops and ripped leather battle undies, (…be still my heart…be still), Aru and the Amazon Queen square off for the mandatory "Final Showdown", which, to be honest, is as lackluster as all the other fight scenes in the movie. It seems like the writers couldn’t decide on how to end this scene so it literally just ends with Aru and the Queen staring at each other through a wall of flame. Wow…don’t bother with, like, an ending or anything. Good grief.

Anyhoo, wrapping this up, cut back to the magic cave where Aru tells Moog and Chang to "be patient" and wait for immortality as he rides off into the sunset with Meela!

Holy crap! What a jerk! Are you kidding me?

"I think we’ve been had!" Chang says.

Yeah, you and me both, buddy, you and me both.

Dennis Grisbeck (March 2010)

By the way, if you’ve made it this far, here’s the trailer:

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